Your Own Person

Is this what jetlag is like?

Hey guys, it’s 3am and I’m surprisingly not the least bit tired considering I’ve only napped for 3 hours ever since touching down from Spain at 535am in the morning.

The last 14 days had been amazing, a true eye-opener and a trip filled with such rich history. It was my first Europe trip and the very beautiful and very different architecture was truly a sight to behold. I couldn’t believe that I survived the 12 hours flight and was miles away from home.

I’ve learnt so many history of Churches and Cathedrals as well as when some were ruled by Muslims, Roman and then followed by Christian empire. (although i’m pretty sure i’ll forget most of them soon)

I went on this trip with my parents, and so the 3 of us had to share a single room for 12 days. To be honest, it became pretty suffocating nearing to the end of the trip. I’ve learnt that you can want to be a filial daughter/son, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy. Good for you if your characters and personalities match that of your parents’. As for me, I finally got to see what my brother and my mother had to deal with throughout these years.

On normal days, everyone goes to work, then comes home and spends time with each other for only about 2 or 3 hours before everyone retires to their individual rooms or just plainly doing their own things. Which is fine as those quality 3 hours are spent talking and sharing about the day’s activities over dinner. But this trip has forced me to spend every waking hour with my dad and it has allowed me to see what a self-absorbed, petty man he is.

It’s so infuriating because as the trip progresses, there are faces of this man – who is my father and the one i’m supposed to look up to – that I didn’t like. People say that parents are role models to their children, but in this case, he showed me what I didn’t want to be.

Which brings me to my point. You are your own person. We may have followed their wishes for so many years as a child, but we will eventually develop our own minds, ideas, thoughts, sets of values, character and personalities. Just because they are your parents doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything that they are. I can’t.

I’m not exactly a social bird, but I do enjoy getting to know other families and groups from our tour group. And it sucks when he intentionally avoids sitting with some groups during meals just because he felt like the other party talks too much on topics that he isn’t interested in. I for one am really ashamed of this.

During one of the church visits, we had a fall out because he felt that I was rude to him. To be honest, I was speechless when he sat at the edge of the bench instead of moving further in for my mum and I to slide in behind him. Isn’t it common courtesy to move in so that people behind you would have space to sit instead of having to squeeze past your knees to get to the other side??? So, I asked him to move, although I admit I wasn’t that polite. At that point I was really irritated with his actions. He looked at me as if I’d just requested for the most ridiculous thing in the world. He asked why couldn’t I just move past him, which meant squeezing over his knees which I found ridiculous. Funny thing was that he eventually moved one asspace down, only enough for my mum. And when she told him to move somemore for me, he frowned and looked really angry. I couldn’t understand that.

Throughout the rest of the time, he gave me the cold shoulder while he chatted and laughed with other members of the group. He probably didn’t know how much that hurt. I’m his daughter, not a stranger. I’m not rebellious, I’m not vulgar in front of them, I’ve been the almost perfect and understanding daughter throughout my 21 years. Even if he really hated that I was rude for that one moment, instead of reprimanding me, he treated me like some passerby – taking photos for my mum and just walking away. To be honest, he ruined that day for me. It was a one in a lifetime chance of having my photo taken there at the top of the mountain in Spain but I just couldn’t manage a smile. When I tried to smile because my mum insisted to take a photo of me, I cried instead. It was a horrible moment. On my right were other tour groups coming up for photos, on my left sat my father laughing with others. Sounds dramatic right. I ran past him to the toilet because I couldn’t hold it in. I even thought that I should just get knocked down by a car just to make him regret it.

If that’s not pettiness I don’t know what else to label it as. The only thing I said was ‘eh move leh.’ Funny thing was that after sulking he just starts talking to me like his episode of giving me the cold shoulder didn’t happen at all. You don’t just ignore your children and expect them to feel alright.

Another thing that I couldn’t stand is how easily he gets mad at the slightest things. He becomes even ruder to my mum when she doesn’t do what he wants her to do quickly. Like when someone walks past while he’s trying to take a photo or when she didn’t get photoready soon enough before the crowd comes in, he gets mad. To be honest he needs a chill pill. I don’t understand whats the rush?? Do you always have to be first?

I want to be a filial child. Sometimes we get along so well because we’re alike in so many ways when it comes to work. We have our happy moments too. But I guess it’s not gonna be easy taking care of him as a whole when he gets even older.

It’s 4am and I have to get up at 7am for yoga. God i’m crazy.

Yes I’ve spent like 90% of this post ranting about my dad because he pissed me off so many times during the trip I just had to get it off my chest.

Goodnight world,

 

At The Back Of A Train

Days when i dont feel my best, when im drowning in silence at work, are days when those unbidden memories come creeping back – today.

Everyone has bad days though. Unfortunately, I belong to the group of people who would criticise themselves and question their own selfworth. Are a few old memories worth dousing our fire just because of a moment’s weakness? Certainly not..

Im not putting it lightly when i once said that I might have developed trust issues ever since then. I don’t know if im that nice girl who works office hours everyday helping people or the one who yearns to party and drink all night. 

Do i want that wild side because part of me wants to have fun? Or am i just trying to prove a point? That right now im ‘being a little more badass’ like what youve once asked for. That i can change; be someone else for just a few hours.

I know im worth more than a few drunken nights, but i want it yet again. It’s quite shitty to know that a few sentences could in fact eat into me that much, albeit subconsciously, but it’s going to take so much more than awhile to rid myself of that piece of glass.

Sometimes i feel like im just sitting at the end of the train.

(Midnight thoughts. Dont mind me. I’ll be better when i wake up)

Taking A Pause

Love — no, it wasn’t even love yet. People say falling in love is easy, it’s staying in love that’s hard. But to me, the notion of being able to fall in love already seems hard enough on its own. Am I too used to being satisfied and independent on my own?

Looking at couples holding hands along the street and adorable pictures of them on instagram does make me all gooey eyed and shit. But it seems impossible to find an emotional connection with someone new that’s enough for me to fall into them.

I’ve learned that envisioning a future together and dreaming about meeting each others’ parents with the person you’re dating may not necessarily mean that you’ll stay together and end up with a happily ever after.

During my poly days, I took a course about relationships and dating. At that time, I didn’t understand why the lecturer had advised us to date casually a minimum of 5 times or so before committing into a serious relationship. Well I guess i know why now. And I guess I’m more aware of what traits I won’t be able to compromise in a person.

Sure a relationship goes 2ways and there are bound to be disagreements and compromise, but i never want to doubt my/his feelings ever again. There are other things that i won’t elaborate on and i’m not saying i’m totally perfect, because i have my flaws too. But an immature relationship where we unintentionally play flirtatious guessing games, and on top of that, a sprinkle of pessimism, is a really mind-draining and stagnant process which I do not want to repeat.

Hence I’ve sworn off relationships at the moment and i’ll enjoy my 20-s to the fullest till the next guy that makes my heart skip a beat (cliche i know) comes around (pls be handsome LOL).

Good night.