You’ve got everything you need
to be perfect right now;
all you have to do
is stop telling yourself
– Mark Anthony
These few days I feel like I’m slowly getting back on track with my life. Gone were the days where I was consumed with self-doubt and depreciating thoughts.
I have a stable job.
I have a stable income.
I’m able to support myself financially on the basic necessities and still give my parents some monthly allowance. (thankful to my parents for still pampering me with certain things tho)
I’m gradually being taught more duties at work, slowly learning the ropes and taking over while my colleague takes her well-deserved break for a week.
I’m embracing new knowledge at work through my 1 hour induction lessons every Wed. Studying as much as I can, while I can, after ‘not using’ my brain for over more than a year.
I’m still not done with my 6S project at work, but I’m working on it.
Come September I’ll have to take on more workload when the part-time school schedule commences. I’ll probably need to sacrifice on certain things. My sweet and generous mother offered to fully support my school fees so that I can study part-time and work at the same time without worrying about the money. But I’m still gonna stick to my original plan of paying by myself as much as I can. Studying part-time was a choice, which is why I have to be determined to at least do better than just a pass. I hope I remember that when things get tough.
I’ll survive thanks to a certain friend who inspired me. Of course, life is not all rainbows and glitter. I’ll probably hit a roadblock once school starts but I’m learning to keep an open mind and not stress out on things that aren’t even there yet.
Until then, I’ll look forward to my Korea trip in August. (SO SO EXCITED!!)
Be brave. Be genuine. Be kind to yourself.
‘If only i had my sight back, i’d be able to write my own stories mama.’ Lily whined in endless frustration and red-hot anger as she wrung the edges of her once favourite book. So many different chapters holding each their own beautiful stories she no longer could read.
‘I’ve wasted so many pages on my useless scribbling!’ Lily sobbed and tried to smooth out the torn pages. With the book dog-eared and its edges frayed, Lily hugged the book to her chest and refused to let another tear fall.
‘Cheer up my heart, one day you’ll tell stories beyond the pages of this book.’
It’s Sunday again and the weeks seem to go by faster as time passes. My parents aren’t going to be home the entire day and i’m elated to have this solitude for myself to recharge as i type this.
I’m sorry to my blog because i always seem to only be here whenever i’m feeling down. It kinda makes my entire blog a really depressed and gloomy space, i know.
The past few weeks had been hell for my own emotional state, although i rarely show it or even voice it out. I sorta kept everything to myself and the dam finally broke last week.
The terrible, horrid truth was that I had felt worthless. I’m not talking in terms of parents being there because I know they love me. I felt like i wasn’t worthy of anyone’s time. That i’m never a priority, that i’m always the one asking to meet and seemingly making myself look like i’m desperate for company. The worst is being rejected by the same people and yet they are able to make time for others. Am i not worth your time and company? I am lonely, and i was losing faith in people who was once my world. I understood the ‘i will always be there for you’ lines, but i began to question it. I may exaggerate a bit, but honestly this was how i felt.
What makes me think that I will be able to find everlasting connection with new strangers when even once closest friends can’t?
Our worlds change as we get older. Sometimes i just feel lonely, sometimes i’m glad to be alone. At the moment, i’m feeling alright.