Back On Track

You’ve got everything you need
to be perfect right now;
all you have to do
is stop telling yourself
you’re not.
– Mark Anthony

These few days I feel like I’m slowly getting back on track with my life. Gone were the days where I was consumed with self-doubt and depreciating thoughts.

I have a stable job.
I have a stable income.
I’m able to support myself financially on the basic necessities and still give my parents some monthly allowance. (thankful to my parents for still pampering me with certain things tho)

I’m gradually being taught more duties at work, slowly learning the ropes and taking over while my colleague takes her well-deserved break for a week.
I’m embracing new knowledge at work through my 1 hour induction lessons every Wed. Studying as much as I can, while I can, after ‘not using’ my brain for over more than a year.

I’m still not done with my 6S project at work, but I’m working on it.

Come September I’ll have to take on more workload when the part-time school schedule commences. I’ll probably need to sacrifice on certain things. My sweet and generous mother offered to fully support my school fees so that I can study part-time and work at the same time without worrying about the money. But I’m still gonna stick to my original plan of paying by myself as much as I can. Studying part-time was a choice, which is why I have to be determined to at least do better than just a pass. I hope I remember that when things get tough.

I’ll survive thanks to a certain friend who inspired me. Of course, life is not all rainbows and glitter. I’ll probably hit a roadblock once school starts but I’m learning to keep an open mind and not stress out on things that aren’t even there yet.

Until then, I’ll look forward to my Korea trip in August. (SO SO EXCITED!!)

Baby steps. 
Be brave. Be genuine. Be kind to yourself. 

 

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For The Weary, Battered Souls

Now playing: Faded by Alan Walker //

I’m not sure just how long this has been lingering at the back of my mind. Let’s just say I’ve finally opened my eyes and accept the reality that I’ve been pushing aside. Yes I know I have lots of mind over-thinking issues. Do stop at this point if you hate reading vulgarities and drama.

I’ve finally accepted that I may or may not have made the best decisions in Poly. I won’t regret the people I’ve met and hung out with, because honestly, they may not have influenced me in the most positive ways, but I’m utterly grateful for having these wierdos through tough times. But I did in fact, could have been more determined as well as having proper mentality during school days, which I obviously did not. Throughout all my schooling, I’ve always aimed for something, apparently those goals died in NP. (hahaha) Of course, thinking of all these now won’t help at all. I keep telling myself getting a fucking piece of paper to obtain better job position isn’t the only way to happiness and ‘success’. But at this point of my life, I can only think that I may have let my future self down.

————————————————————————–

For the weary, battered souls.

I’ve finally understood why the kindest, strongest, most deserving people have such low views and possibly little self confidence, in themselves. It’s awfully saddening to know that the one thing in common is that they come from ‘not-so-perfect’ families. Parents who bring their kids down instead of up. Parents who don’t express or even give an ounce of love. I know there are broken families out there, I’m not that naive. I admit that most of the time my mind is somewhere in the clouds, painting the perfect picture of happy families and loving couples. Probably why I’m so affected by the recent turn of events at home.

I don’t think i’ll ever feel the same way again. I don’t think i’ll open up as much anymore. When the one person who’s supposed to forgive and love doesn’t, and instead throws sarcastic remarks around as if i’m just a stranger, well it motherfucking hurts. Maybe in a few weeks it’ll pass, but that doesn’t matter because damage is done. Words have the power to destroy bonds in just a second. It may be said in a fit of anger, but nothing cancels that damage without something as simple as an apology.

Best thing is when the parents become as grumpy and petty as kids, and you didn’t even do a single thing wrong.

To my precious friends and readers, I hope that you’ll find people who will appreciate and deserve you wholly for the sweet, passionate soul that you are.

And to shameless people who don’t possess even a pinch of sincerity, please fuck off.

 

Hard Pressure

Considering that I’m on a one week no-work break and I’m even flying to Cambodia tomorrow, I should be feeling pretty great right?!

Sadly, i’m not 😦

I’m feeling very stressed and fcuked up. I haven’t told anyone what I’m thinking, not even my parents, because I’m so afraid that what I fear will come through if I did.

So I’ve submitted my job application because this wait for whateverfkinglongpaperworktobeapprovedbyhigherups shit is taking too damn long. And I don’t know if they think I’m just threatening them or what? But FINALLY deciding to ‘push for me’ now that I said that I’m not gonna wait, when they could’ve pushed much earlier, really feels like they’re just taking advantage of my temp status. I have no idea what they want me to feel now that they’ve mentioned ‘to approve 1 manpower first before the higher levels finally approve. Which means by next month she would have the answer of whether you will become a perm staff’

Are they expecting me to feel happy? Grateful? The fact that they only start pushing now just because I’ve said I’m not waiting anymore makes me wanna leave, because it feels so manipulating. Of course, I’ll accept the job if i’m someone who’s only looking for a stable job and salary. But for me, when I’ve already decided my next course of action, I’m really gonna do it, and I’ve decided that I want something more enriching than this.

Now I’m just worried that if the perm status is approved before I get hired, will they make me feel obligated to stay just because they’ve already validated ($$$) me? :/ Will I get blacklisted if I decide not to?

Urgh, I’m supposed to be on holiday. Fcuking text message.