8/2/14: Moved on.

Hey guys. I decided to write today because I realized that I’ve finally moved on from my very first relationship. It was a really short one actually. It lasted for about … 4 months? Not that that really mattered, I really did liked him and the memories will always be there.

So this is how the story goes:

After the relationship ended, I had problems accepting it although I was the one who initiated it. Silly isn’t it? Looking back, it was a mistake to be in a relationship at 15/16, because we both didn’t know how to handle our feelings and back then we didn’t understand and communicate much. We were young, but I did not regret that short relationship. I cried a couple of times; sometimes secretly in the bathroom, sometimes while i lie in bed, sometimes in front of other friends and once in front of my mum. Till now i still don’t know, why the tears? wasn’t I the one who initiated the break? Honestly wished I knew how to handle my feelings when we were still in the relationship.

I moved on to NP afterwards and he went to JC. We were from the same clique, but we didn’t talk anymore, and didn’t met up much. I didn’t really ponder about it, i had crushes on my senior and I really believed that I’ve moved on and put everything behind me. But then came the first semester of Year2 and I got ‘Understanding Relationships’ for my elective module. I don’t really remember much from that module, but what I remembered was that understanding and communication were the key factors in a relationship. From there, I kept relieving those memories because we needed to write essays too. So i poured my heart out, reflecting and learning at the same time while writing that essay. I had the urge to text him, to apologize once more for my silly mistakes from almost a year ago and to get some closure for myself. But I didn’t have the courage to send that text, and also because it was so random that I didn’t dare. So i held it in.

And then a week ago, we started talking again. Because of some shocking news, he texted me to clarify it. At that moment, I took the opportunity and told him what I’ve always wanted to say since many months ago. He apologized too for his part. I felt better after that because we’ve put it behind us. I thought I’d moved on. However, I still felt awkward and weird and I couldn’t really talk to him and look at him properly in the eye when our clique decided to meet up for dinner one night. I started to really think about it again. Sometimes thinking too much ain’t good, right?

Today, we met up again at a friend’s house for CNY visiting. Once again, I couldn’t really look him in the eye. They started to play mahjong while I had to coop up in my friend’s room to study for my test. After a certain period of time, I heard them starting to talk about relationships, and then I heard murmurs of his voice talking about a girl whom he was interested too. At that time, I needed the toilet quite urgently so i stood up from my seat and walked to the door. But when I neared the door, I paused. I couldn’t help it, I eavesdropped. I know it’s not good, but I didn’t dare walk out while they were on sensitive topic.

I stood at the closed door. The entire room was quiet except for the rumblings from the standing fan. I looked down at my feet, I stared at my nails. I lined my fingers together and looked at my nail polish. It sounds pretty dumb, but that was literally ‘stood rooted to the ground’, and for a moment I just stood there in a daze, not knowing what to do. I didn’t know what I felt. Somehow there were sadness, emptiness, disbelieve, but at the same time I also felt a sense of peace, understanding. After awhile, I took my empty cup and walked straight pass them to the kitchen before making my way to the toilet. I didn’t want to secretly open the door and go to the toilet. None of them will know this, except one maybe.

After dinner, they decided to have that talk again. I felt so much awkwardness I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to stay in the room anymore because I felt kind of left out. But sitting out there and listening just makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I almost teared when my friend told me to join them. But still, I joined them in the end.

When I finally sat there and listened to him talk about the girl, I felt my awkwardness go away. I felt like my feelings slowly let up. It’s like when reality shoves itself into your face, you got no choice but to accept it. And that’s almost how i felt. After that, I was finally able to talk to him while looking at him properly. I didn’t direct my eyes elsewhere after 3 seconds like i used to anymore. I felt my mood lighten up and then I knew, I’ve finally moved on.

To say that moving on from a past relationship meant putting memories away isn’t really true, at least not for me. To say that liking someone else after that isn’t moving on either. To me, moving on is when you finally face it. And that’s real closure. All those times I thought I was already over him wasn’t true because I had nothing to back it up; cement it. Listening to him liking another girl just did the trick.

It took me 2 years of roller coaster feelings to figure all that out. There’s this bittersweet feeling after today. It’s like I’ve finally finished a book and finally put it aside. Yes he’s still attractive to me, to me he is very good looking, but that’s that. There can never be more, & I simply hope that this friendship will last. It had become a rather significant phase in my teenage years, one that I’ll always cherish and learn from.

With love, Kelly

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